I really hate being a teenager sometimes. Well recently, it's been most of the FUCKING TIME. Stupid, fucking mood swings.
Okay, I don't really understand why I've been feeling shit anyways. Well, there's really nothing to feel shit about because I've got everything going for me. But...
Okay, so I'm an academic student. I really care for my studies. And so I was asked to represent my school for this competition. But guess what? IT'S FUCKING ON THE FUCKING LAST FUCKING DAY! It's not fucking fair!
It's the last day of school, you'd want to be be with your friends because you won't see them till the next fucking year. Especially when your parents are overly paranoid that you'll get raped every single place you go to. Plus, I won't be able to see my friend's reports card (Yeah, I'm sadistic like that) and I won't be able to perform for this performance thing. I was so fucking excited for it. And yes, so I am SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED. It's not just that, we also have this awesome end-of-school movie thing. Which I can't even go to anymore because the competition finishes around 4pm. I would be okay with it if ended earlier. >_<
IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!
And I can't even get out of it, because I'm chicken shit for my reputation with the teachers. What sucks even more is that, I shouldn't even be complaining because I'm meant to be really passionate.
I'm so fucking jealous of my friends right now..
On Tuesday, I was so fucking annoyed. It was a ridiculous stupid day. I went to sick bay because I was sick of it. Please, I wasn't sick.. just sick of the stupid day I was having. I went to sleep after finding a teddybear. Call me childish, I don't care.
And now that my love fantasies are back (thanks to anime and fanfiction actively coming back into my life), I am getting really impatient to meet my other half. I mean my husband-to-be. I WANT TO FUCKING MEET HIM ALREADY!
My life is so boring. Seriously, ever since I got rid of the drama of my life.. It's just gotten boring. I mean.. I don't want that ridiculous drama anymore, but it's just gotten boring. I NEED TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF.
Okay, a way I got rid of that drama... was I never thought about things too much. I just brushed it off. But I do realise things.. I just don't let it affect me. Like when the guy who I thought I was in love with isn't talking to me AGAIN. It's STUPID! What did I do THIS TIME? FUCK!!!
But I continuously tell myself that they're just gonna have to live with your personality. I don't know why I'm so insistent to keep him in my life when he keeps pushing me out. Grrr. >_<
Am I that annoying? Okay, I know I have a lot of cons in my personality. Here's the list:
- I like attention
- Can't do much there, been like that since I was 2 years old. I was born with it. I'm not kidding, ask my parents.
- I swear a lot.
- I'm trying. Seriously.. it's hard, but I'm trying to rid of this habit.
- I exaggerate.
- Yeah, been like this since primary.
- I'm dramatic.
- Got it from my parents. What can I do?
- I have favouritism
- Yes. I have this. I hate this part of me. This developed in the past couple of years. I am seriously TRYING to be better.
- I'm lazy.
- Yes, I'm mentally challenged when it comes to physical activity - except dancing.
- I'm not beautiful
- I'm not very ugly. I wasn't saying that. I'm just not stunning. Average face.
- I'm fat.
- Save me the "You only say this for attention" crap. Because I'm not skinny. I'm not obese. But I should be 45-50kg. I'm past that. Not telling how much I really weigh. But I'm not saying I'm fat and just sulking about. I'm doing something about it. I'm eating less and working out. So bleh.
- I tend to put myself first a lot.
- Yeah, that also developed in highschool. Well, what do you expect when you let yourself be pushed around for 7 years? Okay, I know... I'm trying. But I guess not enough.
Yeah so there you go. An insight of my true character. Who cares? I won't be meeting any of you, and even if I do know you... you won't know it's me. So SUCK.
I probably have more problems with me, but they're the ones I can think of at the top of my head.
I've always told myself that the people who are going to be in your life forever are the people who love your faults. They'll love the fact that your dramatic etc.
Now that I've stated what's wrong with me... I think I just lowered my self-esteem. Fuck.
In elementary, my self-esteem was as low as six feet under ground... maybe even further down. I was bullied throughout by my cousins who influenced my friends. My cousins especially liked to hit me and boss me around. And since I let myself be pushed around, my friends obviously thought that it's okay. Some of my friends even go to the point of calling me ugly. Now... that hurt.
Now in highschool, it's different. My friends absolutely LOVE to tease me. But they don't mean it. And most of their teasings are harmless. And I don't get affected. But when they do say something that hurts me, I pretend that it's okay. Because I know that they didn't mean it. That it was a joke.
Okay, so I'm not that bad of a person. SO WHY IS HE PUSHING ME OUT? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I WORRY? I SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT BY NOW, WE WOULD NEVER FUCKING BE FUCKING FRIENDS ANY FUCKING MORE!
Frustrating when you lose a friend like that. And probably for a stupid reason... like can't let go of a grudge?
Can't help but be jealous when I hear my best friends talking about him being worried about them. Because before, he used to be worried about me. But stupid fucking hormones ruined the fucking friendship I had with him. Me and him were great friends. He was such an awesome friend, he was there for you when you needed him and never let you down... of course until problems occur. >_<
FUCK YOU HORMONES. FUCK YOU!
So there is more.. But I think that's enough raging for the while. Bye those who bothered reading this post.
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