Don't let it get to me.

Okay. This is bad. VERY BAD. I promised myself that I will not turn back into a frigging hormonal depressed dramatic teenager. I PROMISED MYSELF.

I have 8 best friends. I trust them very much. But they're kind of formed into two groups, 2 being in one and the other 5 in another group. And I usually hang out with the group of 2. But ever since one of them had a boyfriend, she hasn't hanged out with us as much. We don't mind so much.. because she enjoys being with him.
But... yeah, anyway... the other one I hang out with. Yeah, I'm quite jealous of her. Okay, that was an understatement. I am EXTREMELY jealous of her. She's everything I want to be. She's kind, calm, composed, gentle, wouldn't ever hurt a fly but she has that unique crazy side to her too. She's trustworthy, helpful and just awesome. Everyone loves her. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love her. She's someone I tell everything too. She's one of the greatest friend I've ever had. I hope to stay friends with her forever..
But, you see... Seeing her, makes me see myself. And I don't like what I see. It hurts me that EVERYONE chooses her over me. And I know how bad that sounds. But, I'm only human. Okay, that's a sorry excuse. See? And I know moping about isn't going to achieve anything. And I am trying.

It just hurts. I mean... it doesn't just happen with my friends. Everyone chooses my sisters over me because of their beauty and talent. I seriously try not to think about this because it seriously disturbs me. Of course, they give me a moment to shine. But my best friends and sisters have the personalities that everyone desires. It makes me jealous so much.
I don't understand why I'm so screwed up. I'm always exaggerating everything and saying the wrong things. I can't keep my secrets (I can keep my friend's secrets but not my own).
I hate it how... I JUST HATE IT HOW MUCH I HATE MY PERSONALITY.
I once was a very good person. I guess, even then... I was stupid. I have a frigging flirty side to me too. I hate how I automatically become flirty and only realise to stop after I do it. I have no self-control. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel abandoned or not loved. Because I know I'm not. My family and friends love me, that's why it's no excuse to feel this way.
But.. I still feel so jealous because it sucks because sometimes I feel like people are forced to like me. I know, it's stupid.
That's why I try not to think about this stuff... but the incident today, triggered it.
I'm not the best at anything and it frigging hurts to think about it.

Urg. I'm just gonna try to sleep now. Good night.