Yeah so... things have kind of picked up. KIND OF. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little pessimistic. Give me a break...
Well me and Derek has settled the problems. I have honestly told him that what happened at the party was not because I still had feelings for him, but due to peer pressure. And he was understanding. He even agreed. I was very surprised.
But somehow... it all turned out okay. I got to talk to him a lot more recently. But not so much this week since he's out of town.
He once asked me how strong my feelings for him was out of 100%. It was hard to answer. But I decided to be as honest as I can.
My answer was 30 - 40%.
But somehow... I'm not sure whether I am honest. It might have grown.
Now, with Seth. I don't know.
Well, for one... my parents think he's my boyfriend. Okay, they always make small assumptions but this time they are being serious. How do I know?
They gave me the FUCKING sex talk!!
Reasons why they shouldn't have bothered:
- Seth is too chicken to touch me.
- We're not going out.
- I'M NOT INTO THAT!!!
I can't believe that they don't fucking trust me. I'm allowed to have a boyfriend now. So why would I bother lying to them?
Seth came over recently. We took a walk to the park because I was so pissed about the sex talk I got from DAD. [Yeah... It's even worse because I got the lecture from the father... not the mother >_<]
At the park, I asked him "When you meet the girl you'll love passionately and when you see her, you cant control your urges around her... what would you do for her?"
He then goes "What would you do if I said that I've already met her?"
I'm not sure if you guys got the message but if you didn't - he means me. So that was a shocker for me. But I told him what I truly thought - "I don't think you have found her... because you are still in control with yourself. This girl will make you lose yourself."
Anyway, he told me that he was going to say something to me but he lost his guts (again >_<). But after giving him a massive guilt trip.. he told me.
And this is what he said.
"No one could ever replace you. I think you're the one for me. And I love you."
I didn't know what to say. I ended up saying "Thanks for telling me".
What? I couldn't say 'I love you too'. I mean... I wanted to say it so he wouldn't feel bad. But... I'm not going to lie to him or myself. I do love him as a best friend - that, I'm definitely sure of. But a romantic love, I don't think I feel that towards anybody. I don't want to say I love you unless I'm ready and sure of my feelings.
But this is what my true dilemma is... Derek, Seth or none? I prefer to stick to none because that's the safest option, there is.
However, what if it was between Seth and Derek? That's what I'm worried about. However, I know I shouldn't worry too much because its not like I'm planning to go out with anyone in the near future.
But somehow... certain thoughts have clouded my mind. Seth is good for me. I'm not saying that I'm good for him [On the contrary, I'm terrible for him]. But I would be able to live peacefully and comfortably with him. He knows how to make me happy. He can make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He's responsible, caring, understanding, kind and selfless. He would definitely be good for me.
But... [I'm scared to say this] Derek makes me feel something whenever he touches me. At my birthday, he ran away from a game involving make up, so I had to drag him back. I remember that I grabbed his arm to pull his back. But he purposefully twisted his hand so that I would hold his hand. And for that few seconds... we just stared into each other's eyes. I felt something stir inside me. Same as my birthday last year. Same as the movie day I had with him and my friends. He held me so protectively. The way he held me and hugged me made me feel something deep. It made me nervous.
Thinking about this increased my feelings for him up to 40 - 60%. And that scares me a lot.
But.. I don't think that Derek is good for me. A lot of trials and dramas could occur. I don't know whether I'm willing to go through with it.
I don't think I love Derek either. I don't think I feel love right now. Somehow... I'm scared. If I get too deep with any of these guys and fall in love... then I'm in close range of hurting someone or getting really hurt.
That's why... I think its best to just move away just a bit. It'll be safe that way. I don't want to lose Derek again... and I definitely don't want to lose Seth.
I know that the time isn't right. And that my other half isn't probably them. So, I mustn't be impatient.
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