I have no idea why or how things happened.
Everything just happened too fast. It's not right.
Let me explain. I was at a friend's party on Saturday. It was a fun day and all that. But you see... one my ex-best friend (one of my best friends who I lost because of hormones -_-) was there too. I wasn't surprised. I knew he was invited because he was besties with the birthday celebrant.
This didn't really worry me because me and him stopped being best friends about 7 months ago. We just patched our friendship 2 months ago.
But... I had liked him all this time. I stopped liking him in September. But I didn't say anything about anything because I was avoiding the drama. But my friends still think I like him. (Even though now, I like my best friend. Yes... I know, history... hello again. -_-)
So... because of this, everyone constantly paired me up with him. I didn't care about this because I was used to it. Seriously, in the pool, the tried to purposely make us kiss. They failed. But... he was making moves on me. Like picking me up and throwing me in the pool. At first, I paid it no mind thinking it's his way of communicating with me since we both find it so hard to talk to each other.
We walked to the park and that's where things got really weird. All of us went on this spinning teacup-like ride (I swear it should be illegal). I almost threw up. But you see, this guy does a lot of dangerous things. :S
I was flipping out. And it wasn't only me, everyone else was getting worried. He climbed up the pole and laid on the net which was at least 30m up.
And one of my friends yelled "Go down and Hana (me) will kiss you!"
His reply was "As if she would!" And his tone was as if he wanted me too but he didn't think I would do it..
And since I was getting really worried I said that I would. And he went down.
But it got awkward and we didn't end up kissing. So yeah. Anyways, he wanted to talk to me on this spider web thing. So we had a proper conversation. Something I haven't had with him since 7 months ago. So that was nice. And we even reminisced when we were heading back to the house. It felt good to be able to talk to him casually. And I had long forgotten the almost kiss incident.
But then came time for truth or dare. Though it was probably the best truth or dare game in my life (because it was really funny seeing guys wear my dress)... it's the reason why I'm writing this post.
My dare was to shoot a basketball into the hoop. Pretty harmless it seems. Even if my friend knew that I am the absolute WORST at sport. But, the hard part was that I had to kiss ex-best friend on the cheek every time I missed. And when I don't hit the board OR the hoop, kiss on the lips. You see how persistent they were about the kiss?
So... on my first shot, I got to choose where I shoot. I got the ball in on the first go. So I thought that was it. (Everyone was so shocked mind you. It was rather offending) But NOOOO, they decide that it's not enough. So, they chose where I shot the next time. It's a harder one. I missed the hoop about 5-7 times. Meaning kiss on the cheek 5-7 times. And I missed the hoop AND board once. So... I didn't know what to do. But I knew that they weren't gonna stop. And so I kissed him. I guess I shouldn't really care since my first kiss was taken a long time ago. And the next, I got the ball in.
After truth or dare... we sat in the living room to play a bit of halo. But, some person stole my seat. And I had no seat to sit. I was planning to just sit on the side of the couch but ex-best friend's arms were on it PURPOSELY making sure I didn't sit there. He was provoking me. And I guess its my stupid damn pride that made me sit on his lap. But the moment I sat on his lap... he put his arms around me.
I was surprised. VERY SURPRISED. He hasn't held me like that since last year. And... I didn't have it in my heart to hurt his feelings and get off. So I just left my hands on my lap... which he then held with his hands. And then he stroked my arms. From the outsider's view... I admit, it would've looked romantic. Then I played halo, but when I was getting frustrated, he just played for me while his arms were around me.
But honestly... the whole time I was there... I just felt so guilty. I didn't feel good. All I could say to myself was.. "I am so sorry Seth (best friend's name)". And everyone was so happy seeing us like that. I couldn't kill their spirits. But I shouldn't have let that happen. I feel like a player. I know I'm not going out with Seth... but I can't just kiss Seth and then kiss Derek (ex-best friend).
And this is where I am now. At home. Blogging about it.
I tried to forget it. That's why I didn't blog about it till 2 days later. But literally... MY MIND IS SO CLOUDED!
I finally moved on...
Just when I have finally moved on from the heartbreak... HE COMES BACK!
Why?
I never asked for this. I wanted life to be simple. I am so confused.
You see.. Derek fitted what I wanted in a guy. He knew how to be romantic, he was possessive (but, he went over-board) and he was passionate. He initiated without me having to do anything...
But... how much times did we hurt each other? Things has changed so much since we stopped talking. He knew how to make me feel special... but most of the time... he made me feel crap. He made me hate myself. He tried to change me in a way...
But Seth...
He doesn't really know how to be romantic, he doesn't know how to show his feelings and he's a bit of a chicken. But... he's selfless and so caring. He's always thought of me before himself. He picked up my pieces that Derek left. He glued them back. He made me happy once again.
It's not like I'm in love with him. I do have a crush on him.. how can I not?
I also told Seth what had happened. But he was so understanding. He was TOO understanding. I don't deserve this guy. He's not gonna be happy. I'm too screwed up.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm so confused. I can't think straight. I don't know what to do. I tried to avoid this at all costs. I don't understand why or how all this happened.
I seriously thought that Derek was officially over me. But people don't just do that. I'm resolved to believe that he likes me. And I led him on. I'm gonna be suffering a big consequence for this. I can feel history creeping up for a visit once again.
I have to stop this. But I don't know how to fix what has been done.
I am so confused.... I really don't know what to do. I never asked for this.
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