Aww Crap.

What have I gotten myself into?
You know how I did the burning of my feelings?
Well, it did work for a while. And then................................... I. don't. know.

I don't know. I really don't.
I finally met the other girl. Well, I actually finally found out who she was. And I guess... I felt hurt when I saw him paying attention to her. But of course, I couldn't say or do anything. It was part of our plan. I'm meant to be paying attention to Seth. But... why ain't I?

I am so motherfucking confused right now........... and it's not funny.

Seth... I really don't know. I really don't know. I want to choose you because I know I won't get hurt if I do. But, I don't know why... FUCKING HELL, I CAN'T EVEN TYPE DOWN WHAT I'M FEELING. D:


According to my friend who went to camp with Derek yesterday... they were talking about how he feels about me. She tells me that Derek seems to genuinely miss me. :S And that he wants to work on his possessiveness so that he won't ruin my friendships. He wants to have a proper relationship with me.
When my friend told me that.... my heart kind of stopped.
Especially since she doesn't particularly even like Derek. And that she's saying that she feels that he's being honest.

And now... I am more confused as I have ever been.
I seriously thought he's moved on. He's fallen for the other girl and thinks of me now as a friend. He might've not even been talking to me if I didn't take the initiative to tell him that I want him to talk to me.
And plus, I've texted him several times today.. and he didn't reply.
I even came to school today just so I could see him today and I didn't.

I originally planned to stay neutral. Not to choose. Because they won't stay and wait.... right?

I have got to remember. Not. to. fall. in. love. this. year.
I'm scared that someone might just make me break that. I can't. I don't want to get hurt. I'm scared.