I Must Burn All These Feelings Before Its Too Late.

I can't believe this. I really can't.

I'll firstly catch you up with what has happened. Seth has not given up.
And me and Derek has both decided that we will try a new plan. This plan involves him chasing another girl and me giving my full attention to Seth. Of course, I agreed because I thought that its a good plan.
If we're both happy with the other person, then we could just be good friends. If one is happy and the other is not.... Something will be worked out. If we're both unhappy... Then, you can guess.

I don't really think that's the reason why I felt so depressed the day after and skipped school. I was sick that day too [throwing up etc].
But when I come back... It really was different. It already felt distant. Of course, he still talked to me, which I was glad.
Then on Friday, we had a swimming carnival. I saw him with another girl. I don't really know why. But it affected me a lot. I really think it was shock. I've never him really talk to any girl besides me and my friends. So, I guess I was just surprised.
But I was also really depressed. And I know its because I'm scared. Somehow, I feel that the only reason why he is talking to me is because he likes me. Now, if he liked another girl... he would stop talking to me. That's what I'm scared of. Like, I can already see it happening. Before whenever we're on msn... he would automatically talk to me. But for that 5 hours we were on... he did not even greet me. So yes, I'm afraid my fears seem to be true.
I don't want to lose him again. You know, if he never came back... I think, I wouldn't have these feelings of fear. But at the same time, I'm glad he came back. He is important to me.

I talked to Seth about this [which is totally selfish, I know. I should seriously stop telling him this stuff] and he says that I'm in love with Derek.
*scoff*
NOT. POSSIBLE.
Love? I can't possibly be in love with him. I don't even know what that is. Or how it feels. Seriously, how many time have I said I was in love? Too much. Too much that it has lost its value.

But I know I do like Derek. Alot. And its scary.
Therefore, I plan to go to school as early and try something. I remembered I did this once and I think it worked. I'm not sure if it'll work again.
When I was in grade 5 or 6, I was in this youth group. On a piece of paper, we wrote all the names of the people we hurt and all the people who hurt us. And we burnt the pieces of paper. It was meant to let go of those things.
Now, its not the same thing... but it has the same idea. I plan to write down any feelings that I have to let go. And I'll burn it.

I hope this works. :)