So... you know how I told you about that incredibly slutty thing that I did in my last post? Yeah... well, the next day, Seth came to school early. And I was really depressed... because I really felt so disgusted with myself. I shouldn't have promised anything. And I am never EVER going to do that again.
And so... I ended up telling Seth what happened. And I knew he was angry at me, but he didn't walk off (which I would've done if I was in his place). Instead he just held me. He just comforted me and he even said some bullshit like "It's not your fault".
And all I could do was cry.
Then after a while, while he was holding me.... he whispers in my ear "I'll never let you go." And I swore... My heart stopped for 2 seconds. And then he kissed me.
And then last night at the school dance... he told me he wasn't coming and I was a little worried that he wasn't. Because me and Derek tends to act closer and all [Yes. I feel like a slut. I know.]. And so I was a little worried.
But when I got there.... he ran up to me. It was a surprise. -_-
But it did make me happy. :) He even gave me a rose. :)
And while we were sitting down because we were tired.... he texted on his fone and showed it to me. It said I love you. And all I could do was blush.
And then when I woke up, I saw a message saying:
I don't know if you get this message, and I'm hoping you do. I honestly like to say three things...
- Even though the rose wilted, I sincerely hope you like it.
- I say sorry for three things
- Lying to you about not coming to the dance.
- Killing the rose.
- Failing, I tried to dance etc. But I just couldn't and for that I am eternally sorry also I meant to do more but didn't.
- I hope I didn't do anything to upset you.
That's all I have to say, I hope you're not angry with me... But I'll understand if you are...
I want to say one more thing... I'm sorry, and I love you...
He's so unfair. :(
But this is bad. I'm getting really really scared.
I honestly don't know why... But ever since I broke up with Tim (my first and only boyfriend - lasted 1 year. Went out with him in grade 8), I've had commitment issues.
Seriously, this is why me and Derek just didn't work out. Derek didn't really do anything wrong. But every time it feels like he was getting really serious, I always end up thinking that I don't like him that way because I tend to move away.
My theory is that when things get serious.... I automatically start protecting myself unconsciously. I know that I'm already starting to move away. That's why I'm getting scared. I don't want to do the same thing again.
I hope he's not like Derek where he'll let me go. Because I know that if Seth does that, things will get less serious and I'll do something retarded and want him back. -_-
So I truly hope that he won't let go of me. :S
Sigh.....
And then there's the thing with Derek. He didn't even talk to me AT ALL yesterday night. And I still do like Derek. But I'm sure that he did want to talk to me. Because if he didn't.. he would've avoided me the whole night which he didn't. You see, though he doesn't talk to me... he communicates with me in a different way. He annoys the crap out of me.
So he pushed Seth towards me [in a joking way, not in the way he used to where it was out of anger]. And then he flicked his sweat at the group. But I know that he did avoid me most of the night. That kind of hurt.
Honestly, I wish I can just see him with another girl.
I'm finally doing the separation plan properly. Before, I still kept part of my attention towards Derek. [Okay.. maybe I still kind of do still]. That's because I actually saw him with another girl.
But at the dance... I could just see him with his guy friends. And I don't know... I guess.... I don't want to be happy knowing that he's not happy. :S
I think that if I saw him hugging Mia or something and I know that he's satisfied... I think I could definitely let him go... I could probably look at him as a friend and only as a friend.... I think... :S
I'M SO CONFUSED!!! *cries*.
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