I feel like crying.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I should really stop letting things get to me.

Like.... I don't know. The whole thing where I feel insecure around my friends... I'm not sure if they really think of me as a person they can turn to. Somehow.... I still feel like second place. And I know that sounds selfish and stupid. But that's how I feel. I wish I didn't feel this... because I know that there are people who do care a lot for me.

I have lots of friends. And I am grateful for so much friends.... But, am I the type of person who can be trusted? Because... even I don't know anymore.
Like a while back.... A friend asked me how well I knew Seth and I was like "70-80%". But Seth was like, "No, Just 50-60%"
And boy... was that a stab in the heart. That totally meant that even when I felt that I knew him... he held back. I obviously don't know him well enough. And I call him my best friend.
Sometimes, I feel like he just calls me his best friend because he knows I get hurt when he doesn't. I knew he doesn't tell me enough stuff.
Honestly... the only people who does tell me stuff and I don't end up finding about it from someone else or having to guilt trip them into telling me is Estelle and Frances.

Seriously, it breaks my heart to think about this... I hate degrading myself. That's why I TRY not to. Because... it makes me want to cry. And I don't want to cry. I don't like being hurt. So I seriously try not to think about the negative aspects of my life.

But today was just almost unbearable. I felt terrible about myself. I don't know.